Last night I had to run out to the store to pick up some milk and while there I also picked up a copy of the December issue of Island Parent. In it I found an article titled: “Postpartum Depression‘s Effect on the Family”. All of the sudden I started feeling bells ringing. Well.. not literally but there was a definite feeling of Eureka! This could be it!

I’m not sure why I had not considered postpartum depression (PPD) before now. After the birth of my first child, who is now a little over 3 years old , I went through a bout of postpartum depression and was even prescribed an antidepressant by my gynecologist (Effexor) which I never took because I was scared of it’s potential side effects. A few months after being diagnosed the depression lifted on it’s own and I just went on with my life not thinking much more about it.

I think what has tripped me up this time from recognizing my current state of mind as postpartum depression is the fact that my youngest is nearly 14 months old. With my first-born PPD reared it’s ugly head around three months postpartum and it lifted before the baby was a year old. This time around there was so much commotion after the birth of my child (a separation from my husband, a bankruptcy, a move to another country, problems with immigration and on and on) that I convinced myself those were the reasons that I didn’t feel like myself. Now, I’m starting to realize that the high stress from all those events has probably made the PPD linger much longer this time around.

Here’s a list of symptoms of PPD:

Feelings:

persistent low mood – Check!
inadequacy, failure, hopelessness, helplessness – Check! Especially the inadequacy part.
exhaustion, emptiness, sadness, tearfulness – Check!
guilt, shame, worthlessness – Check!
confusion, anxiety, and panic – Oh, a BIG Check!
fear for the baby and of the baby – Hmm… not so much
fear of being alone or going out – Not so much fear but just can’t be bothered to go out. It always seems like an overwhelming hassle.

Behaviors:

lack of interest or pleasure in usual activities – Check!
insomnia or excessive sleep, nightmares – Thankfully I’ve been sleeping well. Still feel tired all the time, though.
not eating or overeating – Overeating. A big Check!
decreased energy and motivation – Check!
withdrawal from social contact – Check! But masked by the fact that I don’t know a lot of people in my new city yet.
poor self-care – Check! Need to really force myself to do simple things like shower and brush my teeth.
inability to cope with routine tasks – Big Check! See my earlier post about Housework.

Thoughts:

inability to think clearly and make decisions – Check! Yesterday I spent more than 10 minutes trying to decide which brand of milk to buy.
lack of concentration and poor memory – Check!
running away from everything – Check! Definitely the desire to run away is there all the time.
fear of being rejected by partner – Check! I’m afraid he’ll get sick of my bad mood and my complete lack of interest in sex.
worry about harm or death to partner or baby – Thank God I can honestly say that I haven’t had this symptom.
ideas about suicide – Again, thankfully I have not had these feelings either

I think it’s pretty safe to assume I’m on the right track here. I also think I may be on the tail end of this since I was actually able to recognize the symptoms while just a few days ago I was so consumed by them that I concluded that I’m just a bad mother, a lazy person and a crap wife. I consider this progress.

Now what? Should I see a doctor? From my experience a doctor while likely try to medicate me again. While I know that medication has been a life saver for other women with PPD and I do not stand in judgement of that whatsoever, I am personally not comfortable with that solution.

I need to ask for help and I will. All the EFT tapping that I’ve been doing thus far only seems to placate the symptoms for a while. I need a complete healing from this. Stay tuned.